The One About the Things I Have Yet to Figure Out

I know I've been gone for awhile. It's just that most of the time, I struggle to find words that would actually  capture what is running in my head. When things like that happen - which happens way too frequently - I am left either catching up or
letting go. Or as what has been happening the past couple of weeks, I just let them sit there and wait for that eureka moment when everything makes sense again.

However, as ironic as it is, they still don't make sense and I am still left grasping for words that would turn my tangled thoughts into comprehensible sentences that would make sense to me, and to people who would actually give a rat's ass to listen.

A lot of things have happened in the last month. For starters, I quit my job. It was one of those "spur of the moment" things that I just decided one day and then actually did it. But I guess I've felt it or have known it for awhile that I would eventually leave that job. You see, I am like a sponge. I love challenges and learning new things all the time and with the job that I've had, I felt like there was no longer room for me to grow and develop some more skills that would actually help me to be a better employee and a better person. I felt like had I stayed there longer than I've had, I would hate myself and the job I do. So I walk away without even planning what to do next.

A week after I quit my job, I received an email from the internship I've applied for the summer. Much to my dismay, they ended up just taking in one candidate for the position and suffice to say that they've found someone else who would fit better with their organization. No sweat. I faced rejections so many times before and getting one now is a great wake up call to know that you have to constantly try to be better. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. But the thing is, what the hell was I supposed to do this summer?

It was around finals week that I've received a text from my current editor-in-chief for the departmental newsletter that I'm currently working as assistant EIC. She asked me if I would want to take over as editor-in-chief for the upcoming fall semester. And you know what I did? I turned it down. Because apart from being gloriously stupid, I also have legitimate excuse. I will be entering my final year in university this coming fall and I feel like I should focus my attention on my academic life and try to bump up my GPA that would allow me to apply for Grad School (Master's Degree program) or if I'm really being ambitious, law school. Being the editor-in-chief would have been a great opportunity to expand my network and probably even find references that would help me get into a Master's program. But also it would be a lot of responsibility since I would have to oversee the publication and recruit new members. The challenge would be finding people that would share the same passion as I do and also, it would take a lot of time and effort to do all the things related to the publication especially when we have to publish at least 2-3 issues within one semester.

And while we're already talking about academics, my GPA went down this past semester. Even if I didn't fail any of my classes, it was bad enough that I've reached the lowest semestral GPA that I've ever had since freshman year. It was fucking depressing. I know it's just grades and it shouldn't define a person but the reality of it though, is that most of my life I've been labelled as "smart" and before I would even believe that I am and to have the grades that I've had last semester is something that changes the way I see myself and the confidence that I have in myself when it comes to academics. Also, it didn't help that the university I am currently in prides itself for excellence and for constantly being at the top 50 universities in the world. I am constantly surrounded by people who strive to make a difference in different fields of expertise. Who cares, you may ask. You see, when you are constantly surrounded or immersed with that kind of environment, you are forced to perform the way you are expected or at least strive for that kind of prestige and excellence. You want to be one of them. You want to belong. To miserably fail at being one makes you question your capacity or right to be there and associate yourself to it. To sum up, human beings are social beings and we are in constant need to belong. It's human nature.

Since I've already started with "social beings" I just realized that I am that friend who constantly isolates myself from my friends. Perhaps it's a bidirectional relationship. These days, when I have more free time than I've ever had before, I found myself sitting at home not doing anything and it's hella fucking depressing. I don't know if it's just me or my friends feel the same way as well, but it felt like we're drifting apart. It's understandable that we're at that age that we figure our own shit out and do things outside our own circle but if everyone's hanging out without inviting you, you kinda think if there is something wrong with you or if you have done something to be excluded in plans that literally everyone else receives - as per instagram photos show. I know I sound petty and this is me being ridiculous but what the fuck? I love these people and I want to hang out with them and to not be invited is just offensive especially when you've been there for them throughout everything.

Because I dont have friends and I literally have nothing else to do, I start going to the gym and I have not missed a day in the entire week. It's a hella fucking progress for me. Also, this is me working out in my biggest frustrations. I am fat. I've come to terms with that and I have a lot of insecurities with myself. Growing up with 2 brothers and a society that constantly tells you who to be and what to be does that to you. You start to see yourself less than who you are and that adds up the insecurities you already have. It eats you (no pun intended) and a day would come that you'd hate looking at yourself in the mirror because even if you know you are more than just one aspect of yourself, seeing it right in front of you makes you forget all of the good things that you are. Please take this with a grain of salt and not to be applied to yourself. This is me reflecting on myself and trying to put everything in words in the moment I think and feel them. So you have a choice, it's either you let that insecurities drown you or you fucking swim and take that next breath knowing that you tried and help yourself.

I choose the latter.

Lastly, in the entire three years of my post-secondary career, this is the first time that I am not doing anything or have as much free time as I have right now. I should be happy and I should be cherishing this time but the truth is, I am not used to not doing anything that I feel useless for just being at home. I got used to having fully loaded schedule seven days a week that having free time all the time makes me feel restless. I have been applying for jobs but still no luck on that. I am trying to be productive but what the hell am I supposed to do? This should be fun and exciting times but I need to find something far more substantial - something that would give me meaning and purpose.

So, yeah. This is pretty much everything that bothers me and I have yet to figure out what's next for me. It feels like I'm starting all over again and it's frustrating and sometimes I ask myself why the hell even bother trying when I always end up in the same fucking hole. I've counted a lot of bad days this past month that I'm just physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. There were days that were hell of a fucking struggle. But those were also the days that makes me ask myself on who and what kind of person that I want to be. Would I give in or fight my way through it?

I choose the latter.

Because this is life and the alternative is not at all promising. To live is to experience the bliss and misery that comes with it. Taking what you learn from all of it is who and what you are at that moment and who you will be. It's not always easy to look on the bright side and fight your own demons but you learn to endure and hope that you have it in you to go on for another day because this is life and the alternative is not at all promising.

I have yet to figure a lot of things out. I am not in the best place right now and I am still struggling with depression but I choose to try and do better because I know that there are a lot of people counting on me and I owe it to myself to try. Because really, this life is an endless process of becoming.

And if ever you're here to find some sort of inspiration and something to bestow upon yourself, this is what I leave you, use your weaknesses as motivation and your strengths as your wisdom.

You may also want to listen to the song below because it captures everything I'm feeling right now and hopefully it inspires you as much as it inspires me.

Until then.