The One About Doing Things that We Dont Want To

Throughout the years that I have been in college/university, I've been involved in different organizations, programs, and activities. Mostly, I do it because I feel like it's worthwhile, that I will learn something, gain experience, and do something that I am, mostly, passionate about.

These past couple of years, I have been volunteering in a couple of different organizations. Some are community-based and some are for academics. I treat all of them seriously because people are counting on me to do so. There is that feeling of "self-importance" and elevated self-esteem in being a part of a larger organization and holding a position that I earned due to my own merits, much less, granted by others who deemed me as capable and deserving of those positions.

However, these days I don't feel like doing much of anything. I am slowly losing the passion I have for doing the things I used to be excited about. I am constantly asking myself if I actually like what I am doing or am I doing it just because no matter how much experience I have, no matter how high the positions I am able to attain, I am still that teenage girl trying to fit in and want to be accepted in a foreign place where she has no knowledge or familiarity with.

Lately, I have been wondering what's the point in doing all of these. Is it because I want to put something in my resume? Is it because I found satisfaction in doing these things? Is it because I want to be a part of something larger than myself? Is it because I want to be able to be accepted and recognized by my peers?

Perhaps a little bit of everything.

I keep telling my friends to do whatever makes them happy and never be afraid to move forward and leave the things that does not help them grow and become the better version of themselves. Yet, here I am, being a hypocrite and doing exactly the opposite of what I have been preaching.

Of course I have been rationalizing my decision to stay or keep doing what I am still doing even though I don't really like doing them or I dont find them satisfying anymore. I keep telling myself that it's because I made a commitment and because people are counting on me or what I am feeling is just a phase and I would somehow reignite the passion that I have before.

But as humans, when are we allowed to let go? How do we know what's the best course of action? Even more importantly, how do we keep ourselves sane in this whole process?

Maybe it's human nature to endure the discomfort that we brought to ourselves. Maybe it's human nature that we keep dwelling with uncertainties - the what ifs, the could've's, would've's, and should've's. Maybe these perplexing moments makes us who we are.

I wish I have the courage to let go of the things that no longer serves me or makes me [relatively] happy. I wish I have the guts to say no. I wish I have the ability to see myself outside of the box that I badly want to fit into. I wish and hope that I have the courage to actually let go of the things that does not make me a better person.

The One About Decency.

So I'm off from school for a week due to reading break or winter break or spring break or whatever the fuck they're calling it. All I know is that I have a week to take a pause from the demands and chaos that comes along with acquiring education - that, in itself - is overly dramatic.

This week is supposed to be about catching up with readings, researching for that paper, studying for an upcoming exam but instead, just like every other times that I am not preoccupied by what I should be doing, I found myself thinking and for the last four days that's what I've been doing.

I've been thinking a lot of things - social injustice issues, racism, sexism, glass ceiling, poverty, my future, job opportunities, and all that shit. And so I can't help but feel helpless and useless because really, I could think all I want but I wouldn't be able to change the shit show that is human race. So I watch Grey's Anatomy instead. Which, of course, doesn't help because if anything, this show is the epitome of getting the message out there and waking us up to the reality that is happening out there. Sure, it's a drama and perhaps focuses on the chaos of romantic entanglements but it also serves as a platform and agency for a lot of social injustice issues that the minority faces. Anyway, enough about the show.

I guess my point here is that, maybe we will not be able to understand everything. Maybe we will not be able to have answers to all the problems, issues, and questions that we have. Maybe we will not be able to comprehend why there are a lot of people who are close-minded about a lot of issues. Maybe all have genetic predispositions of becoming assholes - some more than the others. Maybe it is beyond us to know why people say the things they say or do the things they do. But we can do one thing - become a decent human fucking being. It doesn't answer all the questions or solve all the issues nor will it necessarily brings world peace, but it is a good start.

Decency brings opportunity to allow ourselves to meet everyone else in the middle. It allows us to understand that we may have different perspectives, that we all have issues, and monsters to deal with, it reminds us that we're flawed, we make mistakes, and we all fuck up every now and then, so the least thing that we can do is to extend a decent amount of respect that we expect from others if we are the ones who, you know, fucked up.

Decency allows us to build ourselves up without tearing someone else down. Maybe it's not the best solution to everything, but sure as hell it is a good starting point.

The One About Life Transitions.

After almost two months of not seeing my friends, I've finally got the chance to see them again today and enjoy a well-deserved catch up session.

We've been friends since high school and as years go by and we move on to our own lives and do our own things, it's quite hard to get lunch dates and catch up sessions since our schedules rarely match up. So we treasure days like today that despite our busy schedules and tryna master this whole "adulting", we get a chance to sit down and actually talk about what's up.

We are at that point in our lives that we are all transitioning into a new chapter. We are also at that point where we are starting to question the decisions we've made years prior and if we are where we should be or where we want to be. We are all going through these challenges that making Grade 12 Chem or Math 11 with Mr. Arnold seems like a walk in the park. 

We've reach that point where we can all look back and realize how simple our lives were back then and how easy it is to just let things unfold on their own. That time when we can still rely on somebody else to figure things out for us. The days when we are building our dreams and setting up our goals and romanticize the idea of 'someday.'

Well, we've somehow living that someday and it isn't quite romantic and satisfying as we pictured it to be.

But the great thing about having friends like mine is that we get to sit down and laugh about it. Even when we dont have our shits together. Even if we cry at night because we have no idea what we're doing. Even when life keeps throwing curve balls at our direction. Even if we're struggling to get to where we want to be.

And as I've told them earlier, perhaps the greatest thing about looking at our throwback photos is not only we can see how much we've grown but also how much things we've overcome in order to get where we are right now. We've all been through a lot but we're still here and we've manage to face all those obstacles along the way. And perhaps, the photos are not just a reminder of good memories but they are also a reminder that if we manage to survive all of those, we'll be able to survive and overcome what we're going through right now and there is no greater satisfaction to be around the same people who always lift your spirit up and believe in you even on days that you don't believe in yourself.

We still have a long way to go. We still have no idea what we're doing. We still trying to figure out this whole adult life. But with all these transitions, one thing will never change, we still got each other's back. And sometimes, sometimes that's more than enough.