The One About Doing Things that We Dont Want To

Throughout the years that I have been in college/university, I've been involved in different organizations, programs, and activities. Mostly, I do it because I feel like it's worthwhile, that I will learn something, gain experience, and do something that I am, mostly, passionate about.

These past couple of years, I have been volunteering in a couple of different organizations. Some are community-based and some are for academics. I treat all of them seriously because people are counting on me to do so. There is that feeling of "self-importance" and elevated self-esteem in being a part of a larger organization and holding a position that I earned due to my own merits, much less, granted by others who deemed me as capable and deserving of those positions.

However, these days I don't feel like doing much of anything. I am slowly losing the passion I have for doing the things I used to be excited about. I am constantly asking myself if I actually like what I am doing or am I doing it just because no matter how much experience I have, no matter how high the positions I am able to attain, I am still that teenage girl trying to fit in and want to be accepted in a foreign place where she has no knowledge or familiarity with.

Lately, I have been wondering what's the point in doing all of these. Is it because I want to put something in my resume? Is it because I found satisfaction in doing these things? Is it because I want to be a part of something larger than myself? Is it because I want to be able to be accepted and recognized by my peers?

Perhaps a little bit of everything.

I keep telling my friends to do whatever makes them happy and never be afraid to move forward and leave the things that does not help them grow and become the better version of themselves. Yet, here I am, being a hypocrite and doing exactly the opposite of what I have been preaching.

Of course I have been rationalizing my decision to stay or keep doing what I am still doing even though I don't really like doing them or I dont find them satisfying anymore. I keep telling myself that it's because I made a commitment and because people are counting on me or what I am feeling is just a phase and I would somehow reignite the passion that I have before.

But as humans, when are we allowed to let go? How do we know what's the best course of action? Even more importantly, how do we keep ourselves sane in this whole process?

Maybe it's human nature to endure the discomfort that we brought to ourselves. Maybe it's human nature that we keep dwelling with uncertainties - the what ifs, the could've's, would've's, and should've's. Maybe these perplexing moments makes us who we are.

I wish I have the courage to let go of the things that no longer serves me or makes me [relatively] happy. I wish I have the guts to say no. I wish I have the ability to see myself outside of the box that I badly want to fit into. I wish and hope that I have the courage to actually let go of the things that does not make me a better person.